Born Rebel

"hunnie, why your crying, is everything ok...?"

i think im losing it again. i can feel it. its all comming back now, all again. like a fucking mail from the post. i dont know what to do. i dont want this again... dont let me have it, come save me and carry me away back to safety and let me be there forever and ever.

why are some people so afraid of their past? why can the past come back and hunt us like ghosts from a different time? the past, is the past, and will always be our past, how hard we dont want to or how hard we try to forget all about it. it will never change. what happend have happend. altho it cant keep me from wondering why. why are be so obsest with our own past, and why are we always trying to forget all about it. the past can teach us, the past can provend us from doing the same misstakes all over again. but why are we so afraid of it?

sure, many people have bad memories from their past, myself included. but its not like it helps me at all when i try forget about it. it made me stronger and made me to the person i am today. im not saying im a good person or doing the right thing, im saying that im trying to find peace with my past. its not easy, its hard, hard as hell but for myself i have to keep trying. not push all memories away and pretend it never happend. it always find away back, reminding you of that its there, a shadow walking after you. it makes you do stuff different, it makes u find another path and it helps you continue walking when everything feels useless and you wonder what your doing and why things are meant to be.

my father said to me today "i wonder if i was evil that made a new child come to this world". sometimes i think hes right. it is evil, because the world is evil. sure, we have some good things here aswell in this cold world. but if your blind you cant see them. if you can touch you cant feel them. i think its up to us all finding the good things in this world. and if we ever do it, never let that good thing go away.

what is the meaning in life? maby we are meant to be searcing after this goodness, to feel it once in a life time and then have peace? sure, the good thing can slip away, but have the memory left of it, can it be enough to help us to keep going? all things happends fore a reason, all people we meet are we supposed to meet. why? destiny have a plan for us. you cant see it all the time, and sometimes it dosent show until years after. maby some people are our guardians without knowing that, without we seening that. and maby are the guardians supposed to hurt us the most, make us feel anger, make us sad. make us wanna go and never come back.

there are people devoding their life to history so we other can learn from it but why? the history cant teach us life now, the history cant tell what to do when the shadows and darkness stands on outside our door knocking. what can the history tell us that we can use to make it all better? it havent keeped us from doing same misstakes over and over again. so why?

what is the meaning in life? the biggest riddle of them all. i think we all have our own answer. and that answer will come to us, sometimes, if we arent to blind to see it.

when shall the past get rest so the present can keep on going?

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is it like this? i wonder..

working. first time in.... i dont even remember, one month maby? more? no idea. im lucky tho. i have a calm night here. feels good. a calm night for a start up. altho i wonder, how long time will i stay here? not long if im right. many changes have been here. and sometings will never change. im supriced. people will never change, no matter how many times they have anyone telling them whats right and wrong.

nights. my favorite. i love the night, im not a morning person. and... my question, that i hate, maby i can start answer that one now, or tomorrow. i have work to do, work with everything. accepting. but, i think theres one thing i will never accept, how hard i work to do it.

why are we walking around eachother in circles? why are we talking in riddles and why are we saying some things to one and other? you are the damanding side, im the giving side. when will you answer my questions when i always answer yours. i need answers like you, altho i wonder, why, why do you need answers so much? i can read people, remember that. eyes are open books if i wanna read them. but sometimes, i rather not. sometimes, i walk away. for beeing safe. but you, our eyes are and will always be open as a book for me, even your voice. i wonder, have u told me more things then u ever told anyone before? will you understand that this text is to you, a way for me to say whats on my mind and making u understand that u have to start give back. i know a few things tho, but i wonder, how deep do thouse things go? is it deaper then i think and more deap then u wanna edmit? sometimes i think so, sometimes i dont.

walks. i miss my late walks. i need to go back to them. ive been lazy, fucked up my food aswell, havent eaten as much as im supposed to, but who gives a fuck really. think that ive been fat again.

sometimes i wonder. what would life be like if u would born in another country, meet people on a different time, been on another spot at the right time, how would it be like?

would things have been the same or different? would things happend as it have? would it have the same energy, the same feeling and all the fun? would it be like it is now? exiting, wonderful and amazing or would we ever have been meeting echother?

it would be fun. getting to a new place. beeing there, live there and see other sides of life. and another thing, why are u supposed to meet some people in life? theres always a meaning with everything but its not always so easy to see it. altho it cant keep me from wondering, why want destiny with us when it made our roads cross? have you ever thought of that?

time are running away. we only live once. why are we doing some stuff?

i know one thing, and im hoping it will be true, 2010 gonna be an amazing year.

sometimes i wonder what u really think. sometimes i wonder what u really feel. sometimes i wonder why. somtimes i wonder when. somethimes i wonder what. sometimes i wonder how.

organize my thought and answer on my question. i wonder. could it be? na, i dont think so, or am i wrong?

layers, so many layers. when will it end? when will the thuth come out on the table with open cards? will i always wonder? is that all im gonna get, a endless wonder without any answers?.. i dono, im not the one with thouse answers.

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i dont deserve that anger, i dont deserve that shit. cant you just stop and let me be? arent u the one thats supposed to know how things are and think on me for a change and not on urseld? im tired, so fucking tired. all i can say, i cant take this shit so much longer. it have to end soon. very soon..

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when will tomorrow come?

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when is my time ready 2 come? when will i see the reasons with all this? when will it end?

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always questions and no answers.

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sometimes i wonder, how would life look liked if some stuff in mt life didnt happend. what would it be like? who would i be? would it be good or bad, like it is now?

changes, they can be good and they can be damn bad. ive never been afraid of changes but now, im scared as hell.

what is paradise? where is it? is there really a place that is paradise? if there is, send me there so i can belive in that.

its just a matter of time for shut down.

i belive that every person have some sort of guardians around them. i know i have a few here in real life but i think i have other guardians aswell. altho im one of the people that hate tell abt my problems to other people. ive always belived that i could take care of them by myself, now i know i cant. i hate that but thats a change that i havae to accept, if i dont wanna lose myself in the middle of everything.


L- thanks for always be there for me, for always listen 2 my endless talk abt same things over and over again.
    thanks for holding my back and be my guardian thru my darkest moments. you know i love you.
    i know that im not so good at saying thinks or showing things all the time. but i hope you know.

R- thanks for not saying or asking anything, thanks for just letting me be. <3

K- i hope that you understand me. i hope that you trust me. you are my rock im leaning on all the time.
    thanks for not letting me fall when im starting to do that. i hope you read my eyes and see what i mean.
    im sorry for always putting my problems on you, i hope you can forgive me. i love you.

C- thanks for listen on me all the time and make me think on something else then my thoughts.

i know that im not perfect, i know that im not the only ones with problems, and im sorry when i fuck things up or mess things up. im sorry when i cant answer questions and well, im sorry.

my mind is dark. it have never been so dark that it is now. im afraid. im afraid of myself. when will all this end? when will it be better? i guess time will tell but i hate the unknown and i hate not having controll. what shall i do?

i wonder, will the pain go away?

when will time tell me what to do? when will time heal my wounds? when will everything be okey and i can feel good again? im wondering when im gonna feel like myself again..

im tired of this. im tired of not knowing. i dont know what i shall do or where i shall go. i dont know what i feel or anything. at the moment, my biggest wish is for it all to end. i dont have energy anymore. i dont wanna do this anymore, i dont have the strenght to fight anymore. can just someone end this for me?

i just wanna let go, fall down and never get up again. im just hurting people all the time, im just messing things up all the time. world would be a petter place without me. i cant do this anymore. im fed up with this.

cant you just let me go? let me fly away without any regrets, let me be. love the time we had and all the good moments but lets end it now. say farwell and go, never look back. im tired, so tired.

if i could, i would, but i cant. not now. i cant have that on me. but, im thinking. same thoughts all the time.

im running, i dont know where or from what. just running. im lost, my soul is gone and im just a empty shell. confused and sad, angry. i dont know where this is gonna end.

i cant see anything, its all dark and no light. am i lost forever and ever without anyone finding me? can i ever go back? are everything lost now? where shall i end up?

im sorry, i am but i cant do anything. i wish i could but i cant. please forgive me sometime..

what is heaven and what is hell?

im wondering where im gonna end up...

i thought time will heal the wounds but i dont know anymore. feels like shit only get worse as longer it goes atm. i dont know. feels like im getting more and more stuck. more and more confused. why cant it just get back 2 normal? why cant it just be like it used 2 be? why do this shit have 2 happend?

few people have asked how i manage 2 do this, stand up after all. and i dont know, aint feeling like i do that but i dono.

im tired. really tired. i dont want this anymore.